Words Are Not Enough

Looking back at what happened over the past year, I suppose I wasn't really as mature and steady as I thought I was. I learnt earlier yesterday that the word "peregrinate" is supposed to describe a person with the air of a well-seasoned traveller who has perlustrated a good deal of where he's been to. I wonder how well I hold up to certain things in my journey with God now.

Sometimes there's just this thin diaphanous veil separating the groanings in my heart from their manifestation in this reality that I'm in. A subtle and delicate dichotony. Sometimes I don't know how to pray. Sometimes I just pray to God to far remove all my grievances.

It's easy to go down the declivitous lane, that easy, broad, slippery trap of a potential well that draws you into an abyssmal lack of hope.

What do I yearn for? I'm not too sure now actually. When I remember the 21st of October, all I remember was the wish for an anacampserote. But how that desire has changed, how it has become an entirely different entity now.

I suppose writing is still my catharsis. The phantasmagoria of the outside world is simply too much for me to bear.

Oh but to bear my cross daily. Surely that means to be in the world?

We'll jolly well see. :)

God, thank You so much for everything, for listening to me, for speaking to me. Countless times I've fallen, but countless times You've received me back into your courts. And it's because of Jesus Christ. I pray for strength and wisdom, and resolution in this coming new year of 2012.

Giving Thanks

God has been very very faithful to me in the past 8 months - I can't say I'm the most faithful servant around though.

But yes, some things are clearer now. :)

Thank You so much for everything.

Walk With Me

God, if these feelings aren't from you, please help me. I'm so confused - I'm worried I may have misconstrued everything again.

Everything, must be done to glorify you.

The Inner Man: Word of God

As Randy Alcorn writes, true character is what a person does in the dark when there's no one looking at him except for God - when no one is looking at you, how do you respond, and how far do you allow your personal integrity to carry you through?

This past one month has been a time of intense emotions and struggles - but the hardest part is this: when you're struggling with what life seems to be throwing at you, what do you do with what God has given you? Do you abandon all opportunities to bless your friends just because you feel like your life has been turned upside down? I believe a Christian has a high calling to live out truth - and living out truth is one of the best ways to partake in spiritual warfare.

I have been extremely naive in this one month in the spiritual sense - and I have been greatly humbled. There is a certain despair that comes with trying one's best but still not being able to fulfill his plans - but since when has it been about my plans? It's about God's plans for me and for the people around me and as a steward, letting go is a lesson we have to learn.

I'm but human, and letting go of opportunities certainly does hurt. And it takes a lot of meditation over scripture to even quieten my heart in the times of sorrow and grief. But meditation is necessary for the Word of God to take root in your heart - how then will your spirit be strengthened when you do not consume daily bread?

I'm amazed at what God allows me to go through - sometimes I could just scream at God: "God, why has it taken so long for You to speak? Why allow me to go through so many doors and take so many turns before letting me realize what has really happened?" Oh yes, I do ask God - but obedience pleases God, not our suffering. All of my suffering does not please God unless I obey. And I'm talking about obedience in faith, because as Christians, we know that without faith it is impossible to please God.

In just a span of six weeks, I've learnt how that when the Bible tells us to love God with all our heart, soul and mind, it really means that the heart, soul and mind are three different things altogether: the heart and the mind are two separate entities and what the brain knows, the heart requires a lot more to catch up with. When developing the intellect, perhaps I have neglected the development of my heart and spirit.

At the end of one term in Oxford, if you ask me, have I regretted coming to Oxford? The answer is a resounding no, of course not! But now there are no more expectations, and only a silent anticipation. :) 

教诲: 静默

主啊，您的每一句，每一言我都没忘记。当我无奈的时候，当我疲乏软弱，您能围绕守候着我吗？

 我会好好聆听您的教诲的。

Living By Faith: As The Righteous Do

It is written in Hebrews 10:26-27, that:

"If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left,"

Very clearly, for those of us who are in full knowledge of the Gospel, we are to stay off the path of sin, to persevere. Faith, deeds of faith and perseverance should not be a thing of the past - it shouldn't be something we look back to (although that may be an encouragement), but it should always been something that we persevere in our present and daily lives.

If you read on, you'll see clearly that:

"But my righteous one will live by faith. And I take no pleasure in the one who shrinks back." - Hebrews 10:38

Yong Kiat, do you see anything at all now?

I Remember: That September

So one September thereabouts, I recall speaking to this little girl about her future:

"Why are you so afraid? It's just a change of environment, and you must learn to trust God - He has a plan for you! It's a new school no doubt, but it sounds amazing!"

And now that little girl is telling me:

"God's here with you!"

I've been reading Christlike by Bill Hull, and here it speaks:

"When we become uncertain and weak, it is another Christ follower who is not confused, who is certain, and who strengthens us with God's Word in that moment."

Indeed, it is so. :)

I remember, I remember, that September.